When you are reading a book, have you ever looked to see how long till the end of the chapter? You are so into the book that you just want to get to the next chapter and see what is going to happen next? When you notice that its just a few pages away you read just a bit faster or even as much as your eyes want to close to sleep you just keep pushing along to get those last few done so tomorrow you can start that new chapter? I certainly have and that sums u my life at this point. Just want to get onto the next chapter.
Last week was the seminarian retreat for the dioceses and this past Monday I returned to work for my last two weeks. At this point I have 7 days left at my job and on Monday I felt that it really is time for me to move on. That I am ready to move onto my next chapter. I am excited and yet nervous about what is to come. Even though I know its time, there is that sense of bitter sweetness. It is that sense of leaving what you know to what you do not. The past few months really have been a transition and a blending of endings and beginnings. Meeting new people and having new experiences to packing, moving and letting go of things. Some parts have been hard and others easy.
I thought me moving would have been the start of that new chapter but it really is the ending of my job. That is the last thing that holds me to this chapter of my life. I could not continue with my vocation until I walk out the doors at 3 PM next Friday. Pulling out of the driveway and seeing my job in my rear view mirror will be interesting. The second I pull away, the chapter ends, and a new one starts. Then it starts with just another countdown till I move into the seminary. At times I still can not believe I am moving to Philly and going to the seminary. Life certainly will be different for me.
I really do not know what to expect or even how “different” life will be. For once I am just going to go with it and enjoy this time of transition until that new chapter really starts gearing up.
Until next time, God Bless, and enjoy each chapter in your life.
It is just a few hours till I get in my car and drive to the Seminarian Retreat for the Diocese of Trenton. It is unreal to say the least. Last year at this time I really did not see this being in my future. Thought that it was not to be. Now, a year later I pack my bags and will be heading off for the retreat. As that saying goes “ All things are possible with God”. It is sad but I really do need to keep reminding myself of that quote to often. I see it for others but really do not apply that to myself at times.
It is hard to say what I am feeling. Well, to pin point what I am feeling anyway. That seems to be the norm for this past year really. It is a mix of feelings and many happening at the same time. Even extremes of emotions like excited yet nervous, scared but ready..etc.. I have learned more to just go with the feelings then control them or even try and understand them. Must admit that it is a bit freeing at times to just let it go and be in the moment. Not to try and look ahead and lose what is in front or me. A priest said to me about this journey “ Where is the lamp to be placed? Is it at your feet or your head? If by the head it lights the room but when it is at your feet you only see so far ahead. Stay focused as the bible says “ Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light for my path”. We are to stay focused on where we are at that time and for us to see where we will go we must take that step and continue on. You will only see so far and have to trust what is ahead of you and think if you saw the whole journey and not see how God helped you during the hard times think how many times you would just stand in one spot and never move?”
This week will be that step and I can not wait to see where I will be by the end of this retreat. Please keep all the seminarians this week in your prayers.
Until later, God Bless, and keep all seminarians in your prayers each day.
First I know it has been a while since I have posted a new blog and I am sorry but life got a bit crazy with applications and moving. I will get into all of that in a different blog but tonight I wanted to focus on a song that for the past few months helped me stay focused on my vocation. I have to say that some may feel that this is a bit of a stretch but I have found that while many hear a song and think of a relationship with their significant other, many times I relate the song to my relationship with God, Church or my Faith. The song is “ Shut Up and Dance” by Walk the moon. Below is the full lyrics and video at the end of the blog. I have to state that first the “Catholic Church” when it is referenced as gender is female in nature. With that being understood the lyrics to the song will make more sense.
Life for me has revolved around my vocation and everything that goes along with it. The applications for both the diocese and the seminary, psychological tests and interviews, meetings, moving and packing, etc....... it has been a whirl wind at times and even to the point where I felt that my life was no longer my own anymore. I don’t know when that shift happened but it hit me these past few months. I understood and knew full well that it is part of what I am doing but when your in the midst of it and it hits, it kind of knocks you for a loop. Then this song came along and it helped me to keep focus on the reason why my life is as it is at this point.
The song is about meeting up with a girl at a club, just going with it, forgoing what is around them, just focus on each other and dance. How do I get being focused on my vocation from that you may ask? It hit me from the first time I heard that song to be honest. I will break apart the song lyrics and explain it that way.
"Oh don't you dare look back.
Just keep your eyes on me."
I said, "You're holding back, "
She said, "Shut up and dance with me!"
This woman is my destiny
She said, "Ooh-ooh-hoo,
Shut up and dance with me."
For me at times during these past few months I would think about forgetting all of it and just stay in the life that I was leaving. In essence looking back to the life I was leaving to follow my vocation. The church is where my eyes needed to be focused on and nothing else. Yet, I was feeling at times how hard it was to continue without the “yes” from the church that all was heading in the right direction. That I was taking many leaps of faith during this time and I know that it is what I should be doing but doubts do settle in and take hold at times. Then she says just “Shut up and Dance”. Have you ever just put aside everything, and I mean everything that is in your head and heart, and just went with it. It is like when your at a party and your song comes on and before the first beat is finished your up and dancing with no regard to what anyone else thinks. Your just living in the moment and enjoying it, your life. That is what I felt like at times also during these months. Knowing and feeling that the church, my vocation to the priesthood, is my destiny. Then when that feeling or notion clicks for me, it is that just “shut up” all of those doubts or questions and just dance with the idea of your destiny.
We were victims of the night,
The chemical, physical, kryptonite
Helpless to the bass and the fading light
Oh, we were bound to get together,
Bound to get together.
The lyrics speak about being taken up in the moment and no matter what else we were bound to get together. No matter what direction my life has taken, it always ends up back to the God, the Church and the Priesthood. This idea of a vocation has always been there no matter how far or close I was to the church. It is like when you see your destination on your GPS but yet for whatever reason you miss it, you know a better way then the GPS, you want to take the longer route or even realize you are getting to your destination before you are ready to be there (party starts at 4pm and its 3:45pm, so you of course need to kill some time till). It was bound to happen. This decision to discern my vocation and respond to what I feel was bound to happen because those feelings never diminished in my life but grew. I could not ignore that constant voice in my head that I tried to lower the volume or mute at times, well most of the time. The way my life is now was bound to happen.
She took my arm,
I don't know how it happened.
We took the floor and she said,
I can not say how this all happened or why it all happened the way that it did but I know it was always the church that guided me in one way or another. There was always that underlying current of the church that guided me in the direction of my life. I can look back and see where God guided me and where the Church help remind me of where my life needed to be heading vs where it was heading at the time.
Deep in her eyes,
I think I see the future.
I realize this is my last chance
When I am kneeling or sitting in the church, doesn’t matter what church it is, I look around as I pray and I really can see my future there. On the alter I look and think just how it will be to say mass. I look at the confessionals and I wonder what will it be like to hear confessions. My eyes gaze around thinking of all the sacraments that I will be part of.... Baptisms, Marriage, First Eucharist, Reconciliation, Anointing of the Sick, Confirmation and Holy Orders. I never say a future anywhere else in my life but with the church it always was there. When I was away from the church my life did not really have a clear future at all. I am happiest when I am at the church and being a part of that life. I think about being a Priest. How I want to reach out and serve. I can not see my life any differently then the direction I am heading nor, do I want it any other way. Sometimes after the last mass is celebrated, and I am helping close up the church, the lights are all off and I am walking from on end of the church to the other, I just stop in the center bow to Jesus in the Tabernacle and smile. That smile hits my core and I know this is right for me right now. My life is within the Church and I will continue to discern that life and pray it is that of being a Priest. I know this really is my chance to search for my future in the church as I am in the seminary.
I know this song for some may not make much sense or see it as I do but that is the great thing about music. What I get out of it may not be the same as someone else. For me this song has kept me focused on where my life is heading and my future vocation within the church. For me it is time to just “ Shut Up and Dance”.
Until next time, God Bless, and remember to dance with all your heart, mind and soul as you find your own destination and maybe your own vocation within the church.
I would like to wish all Mothers a Happy and Blessed Mothers Day today. On this day let us all remember our Mom's both living and who have passed. Also, let us look to Mary, the mother of Jesus and the Catholic Church for her love and support. Please let us pray a Hail Mary for all Mothers and Mothers to be.
For those who's Mothers have passed from this life into the next, I pray that on this day when you may feel a tear roll down your face know that your Mother will always be your Mom. Remember those times when Mom was there for you. All the times of laughter and joys. Those loving arms that engulfed you as a child, and embraced you as an adult. A mother's love transcends the heavens and if you close your eyes, and open your heart, you can just about hear her and feel that gentle touch of her hand. Let us pray a Hail Mary for all Mothers who have passed into the next life.
Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord,
and let perpetual light shine upon them.
May they rest in peace.
Amen.
Until tomorrow, God Bless, and bless all Mothers passed, living and to be.
Yesterday a friend texted me and asked “ How are you doing today after taking in all that happened this week?” My reply “ Taking a lot of deep breaths”. This past week I received my “Priestly Formation Application”. As I walked out of the Office I stopped, took and deep breath and continued walking. This is exactly what these weeks and months have been like since Holy Week. I have tried many times to sit down and write what it has been like, how this experience has been and each time I failed. Even to do a blog has been hard. I thought maybe the blogs time is done or maybe I needed this blog to get me to this point and it served its purpose. Yet, as I answered that text last night I realized that is the way to approach this, “Deep Breaths”.
Deep Breaths have marked each and everyone of those moments over the past weeks. The difference is not that I needed to take the deep breaths to calm down, to lower stress level or chill but to pause and take it all in nice and slow and then continue with the next step by physically taking that next step. For as long as I can remember I have always love pictures of and taking pictures of paths, roads, and steps. They have had impacts on me. For me they are significant to the life we have and especially our spiritual/faith journeys. Each step down the road or path brings us to new experiences and lessons to be learned. Along the side of this blog you see all kinds of paths/roads pictures that I have taken. Each shows all the kinds of paths/road we all have taken in our lives. Some of the paths are clear and easy. While others are rough and we have to climb. Yet others are smooth and paved. Then others are bumpy and we get dusty along the way. No matter what the path is before us we have to take each one the same way. One deep breath and one step at a time. To often we lose the importance of these experiences by rushing them and with taking that ‘deep breath’ and taking it in then that step starts us off on that journey. That life that is waiting for us. The life that God is laying out before us.
From the start of Holy week, Palm Sunday, straight on through till today I have stopped and taken many deep breaths along the way. With each of these breaths have come a silent prayer or thanking God for what is going on. Like I said before it has not been because I have been “stressed” but in reality have been very calm during this time. There is more of a trust that has been established and given to God. Less of me controlling and more experiencing what is going on. There has been many experience between the deep breaths and steps that I want to share with you.
The first deep breath came at the Chrism mass as the Priests, from throughout the diocese, entered and processed into the church. That has always had an impact on me. It hits so deep inside of me. Maybe now I understand why it always has. As I took those deep breaths, I thought to myself that one day, God willing, I can be in that procession and take those steps with fellow Priests and the Bishop. This night had a few more deep breaths. Watching the Priests reaffirm their commitment is powerful. Seeing them all gather around the alter and say the prayers of consecration is awe inspiring. Then as the mass ended and seeing Priests and Seminarians I have met over this past year and them asking “how is it all going” was great and then hearing them say “Been praying for you and will continue” is very humbling. Then as my Vocation Director says “follow me” and a friend and I follow him to a door and he then says “ I want to introduce you to the Bishop”. That there was a long deep breath that seemed to last till we walked back out the door to be honest. It was funny because as I left the church right after mass, the Bishop was there by the doors and I shook his hand and said thank you, but now it was so different. That moment when the director brings us in and says “Bishop, I want you to meet the men who are discerning the Vocation to the Priesthood”, and for him to say “ What is there to discern, We need you”. It is something I will forever remember. When we left the room I think I finally exhaled that deep breath from when we entered. Somewhere during this night, things became very real and very clear for me. As I drove home that night, I smiled all the way home.
The Triduum mass was fast approaching and with that came me as the Master of Ceremonies for it. This is where I must admit there was some stress. Just a little.. well, maybe more then a little. On the night before I had tried on an alb to wear and as a friend said “ You look good, check it out in the mirror”.. I just could not do it. I said no no I will wait till tomorrow. I knew it would be a deep breath moment and honestly I was not ready just yet. As the time came for me to put it on for the Mass of the Lord’s Last Supper, I said a prayer to myself as I put it over my head and then looked in the mirror and took that deep breath. It was real and I was ready for this reality. Then I turned and left the room with the Priests, Deacons and alter servers. As I walked with them it felt like a point on the journey that defined who I was and wanted to become. I was happy but yet sad at the same time. As I led us in procession into the church, I wished that I was able to see my mother’s face. I know she was with me, without a doubt I know it. This is when I needed to take that deep breath, Thank my mom for all she did for me, taught me and gave me the freedom to come to know God in my own time, and then took that step into the church. That first step that night started the next three days of many blessing, realities and deep breaths. From the Homily on the Priesthood, the Prayer Services each day, the Eucharist Adoration, Night Prayer, the Clergy laying prostrate on Good Friday, the Kissing of the Cross, the RCIA making their Sacraments, the music, the incense, the Readings and being able to serve each day all had moments of pause and deep breaths. I also knew that people may ask some questions about where my life is heading now after being MC. I must say I know I would be thinking that if I was in the pews. The difference is I don’t know if I would ask the person. It is funny in a way that people really do ask. People were so kind and all said they would be praying for me and for whatever my vocation was to be. After each conversation I must say, I did take a deep breath and said Thank You to them and to God for showing me I have people praying for His will in my life. Some of the people I knew and others never knew before. Still to today, people are asking me questions and offering prayers. It is beyond anything when you not only know people are praying for you but you feel those prayers in your life. It is like a whisper that you can hear but not make out the words. It is like a soft gentle breeze that refreshes and reminds you there is more then what can be seen.
After Easter I wanted to just sleep for days it seemed. A busy lent and even busier Holy Week took its toll. Yet, I wouldn’t want it any other way. I did not have to much time to fully relax since the Saturday after Easter was to be my meeting with the Vocations Panel. As the days counted down to Saturday I grew calmer each day. I was not nervous or stressed about it. As a friend said “ What is there to be stressed about. I mean if by now we don’t know our vocation story then we don’t belong going”. He was right. I woke that Saturday morning to a great sun filled morning. I took more of a scenic route so I would be able to pray and relax as I drove. Again was not feeling stressed and felt I was where I was to be. As I walked up to the door for my interview, I stopped just as I was to ring the bell and thought “ Well... Here I am God. Your Will not Mine”. Rang the bell and walked in to start the interviews. The panel consisted of 7 Priests, 2 Nuns and 2 Lay People. It was a round robin style where you met with groups of 2 and 3 people at a time and they fired questions at you for about 15 min each and then off to another group. The questions got me to think on what the priesthood meant to me? Why a priest? Why parish life? How will you handle this situation? When? Where? How? Why? It was over in what seemed like a blink of the eye. Next thing I was doing was saying my goodbyes and leaving. As I left my director said to me “that I did good and nothing to worry about”. As the door shut behind me, I took a deep breath and thought there is nothing I would have changed in there. Nothing I wished I said or even wished I didn’t say. Then took the first step and continued on. You have to understand that is not like me. I second guess way to often, but for once I felt it went exactly as it need to. I got in my car, took another deep breath and thanked God for this day.
The week after was back to the normal deal. Work and Life continued on as I waited for word on the interviews. I got some feed back here and there that was positive but was still waiting on the official word. Well, I got that. Actually not at first I should say. Friday night I got an email from the director with the subject: Interviews. Again deep breath as I opened it, then came a Gasp. It was an email that said I been moved on to next step and the Bishop approved me for formal application. Well, if I was Kevin that is... Yep, wrong name on the email. I quickly emailed back and waited for a reply. Said sorry got this by mistake. Then what seemed like hours, it was 15 min. I got another email with the subject: great news for you Jim. That time no deep breath was needed, just a smile. I was onto the next step. Of course follows the official email from the Head Director and then the formal letter in the mail. When I opened that letter that came in the mail, I saw that official mark of the Diocese and saw my name and the words of formal application, I took that deep breath, sat back and Thanked God and thought this is real. Not just an idea in my head or heart but a reality happening.
Next step was to meet with Monsignor and get the application. As I walked up the steps of the Chancery Office I just smiled took that breath and said “ Here I am again God, I am ready for this”. Sitting across from Monsignor made it ever the more real. Seeing my name on the folder that contained both the applications for the diocese and the seminary was a moment that I longed for deep inside me. Left the office with my application in hand and headed out the door. I stood at the top of the steps, took a deep breath and thought “ I am right where I need to be and no place I would rather be then where I am right now and where I am heading”. All the way home I smiled and wanted to start to fill out what I wanted to for a long time. I have been working on the applications for a few days and I could not be happier.
Life happens between our breaths and its those deep breaths that change us in the most profound ways. I learned that as I took those “deep breaths” I was allowing God to penetrate my Soul. I was not just giving Him permission to enter me, but was actively pulling Him into me. When that happened He showed me just what I need to see. He spoke what I needed to hear. I accepted what was before me at His Will and not my own for a change. In confession the other day a priest said to me “ You know the expression from the bible “ A lamp unto my feet”? Think why your feet and not your head? On your head the lamp would shine more and you see more, but unto your feet it will only shine so far as the next steps ahead of you. You are asked to trust Jesus and move forward to see where the next step will be.” Again deep breath and realization that is where I am. Just one step at a time and life will come. God’s Will be done and not mine.
I hope and pray that you have many “deep breaths” moments in your life as you travel on whatever path you are on. No matter what kind of path that lies before you, stay the course and take it in as you let God come into you. It has been an amazing few weeks, filled with great blessings and realizations. I hope I have made it clear that my will is not it anymore. I just want His Will and wherever His will leads me I will follow. As I start to end this blog tonight, I take a “deep breath” and pray for each of you, your paths and vocations.
Until tomorrow, God Bless, and take it all in with each deep breath.
Tonight I had my discernment meeting and reality is setting in for me. The reality of a year of formal discernment and really taking the call seriously. The “reality” is for another blog because the picture along side this blog is what the focus is on tonight. After the meeting tonight I needed some time to just reflect on everything and let it sink in for me. I decided to go to Ocean Grove, walk the board and pray the Rosary. Along the board there are many benches and I decided after walking for a while to sit and say the rosary and look at the ocean. So I sit.... and in front of me, directly in front of me is the lamp post and I think to myself “ really, of all the spot you pick one with a lamp post in direct line of sight”... but as I was going to move, one thought came to me and then followed by taking a picture to remember it. Yet, when I look at the photo another thought came to me.
The first thought was “ hmmmm, it is almost like a fork in the road. It is splitting my sight into two equal parts.” One side seems to be the comfortable way with the bench and I can just sit down and relax. The second would be me standing up and ready to move instantly. I would have to be more focused and ready with standing. This is where I think I am now vs a year ago. Before this, my life and vocation call was being handled by me just sitting down and relaxing. Not ready to move anytime soon and just sat there looking at the world and relaxing. Not thinking about my vocation much but just a passing idea. Now, I am standing and examining it, moved when I needed to move and really focused on what my vocation is to be. Both had the same view, and I think that was the problem. I thought I was being active in some form of “discernment” before as I sat but it took me to stand to realize what I was really missing, an active stand of saying “Here I am Lord, send me”. I actually laughed to myself about this idea that was in my head. Then thought “ this could be my blog tonight”. Then got the phone out to get a photo for the blog.
The second thought as I looked at the photo was well, first “ This light in the photo is much much brighter then what I can see before me”, and second “ that in the center of what I see before me is a bright light. The bright light of Jesus and where He is calling me to go. What my eyes did not see as bright, really is. I have let other things and even people dim that light before me. It took me to see the light through another lens to get the reality of it to be seen. Jesus has been before me this whole time trying to direct me and my vocation but i was too busy just sitting back. I did not allow Him to be that center and shine the way I needed Him to. I took it onto myself and decided how bright I wanted Him to shine. We have to look through the lens of prayer and trust to really get the real picture of what is before us.
The problem is that no matter what side of the lamp I would be on, the reality of what is before me was the same. The reality of God’s Will is there before us. The difference comes in when we are either sitting down and not being active in it, verses standing up and be ready for God’s Will to move us. God’s will for me in my vocation has never changed, He never changed it, I just decided on how I was going to act on it. For too long I took the inactive role and just let it be. God does not force His will on us. It takes for us to be active and ready to see where His will is guiding us,
What side of the lamp are you on? Are you on the side where you are sitting down and not moving or on the side where you are standing waiting to move for God’s will?
Until tomorrow, God Bless, and see how bright Jesus is leading the way to your vocation in life and be ready to move.
Today is Prayer for Vocations Day. We all, as a church, need to pray for Vocations. Both Men and Women need to listen to God's Call to be a worker in the vineyard. Without these workers we lose Eucharist, Sacraments, Sisters, Brothers, and all the work they do for the church and for the world. It is important for us to prayer each and every day for Vocations. Here are some tips to do for the week:
World Day of Prayer for Vocations
Today the Church throughout the world prays for vocations. Will you make a special effort to ask the Lord for more vocations to priesthood and religious life?
Pray for the priests who have ministered to you throughout your life, both living and dead.
Keep our parish priests in your prayers throughout the week.
Encourage your children, grandchildren, or other young people to consider a vocation as a priest or religious brother or sister.
Pray a rosary for more young men and women in our diocese to respond to God’s call.
Until tomorrow, God Bless, and let us continue to pray for vocations.
