Friday, August 31, 2012

Who turned the light on, again?

Who turned the light on, again?    

  For almost 5 years I have been able to keep what was a big portion of my life in the dark. I lived the past 5 years in a light that was no brighter then the dusk.. Yes, I was able to get by without to many bumps and bruises but since the Son has grown brighter I am seeing how many bump and bruises I really have had. The scars are more then I realized. Not just on the outside but also on the inside,  my heart and soul. It is time to start to heal and I know I can’t do it alone. There is a healer out there that wants to help. I just need to reach out. I am going to try. Try and make myself whole again, live in the full light again. 

      Before those 5 years of dusk walking happened, I lived a life where I lead a prayer group, taught religious education, read at masses, gave out communion, almost lived at the church it seemed. Then things started to get darker. I was betrayed and lied to by some religious leaders and I ended up leaving that parish and focusing on another parish I was running a prayer group at. What happened at the one parish left a bad taste, but I continued on. I was jaded now and saw the church different but God still remained. Then 2 years later my mother passed away unexpectedly and at first I was able to hold onto God and the prayer group. It was a saving grace for me at first, then the light of God started to dim in my life and along with the prayer group it finally went dark. I know I turned it off. I flipped that switch. God did not leave my side, I just turned from Him and faced a new direction to walk down a different path. 

        Do you know how in the middle of night you get up and you don’t turn on any lights but you are able to find your way? That is kind of how my life was. Yes, there are those times you stub your toe or you step on something but your not hurt enough to turn on the light. Then someone moves things around and you forget about it and the next thing you are double over in pain for tripping and falling and you are reaching for the light to see if anything is broken. That is how I have felt. What changed in my life being asked to be a Godfather to my cousins son. That shifted things in my life and I wasn’t just able to get around without stubbing my toe more and then finally falling and reaching for the light. 

          When I turned it on I saw more then just bump and bruises but the mess that I have been walking around and avoiding in my life. It is only by God’s hand that I could have been this safe for this long. It has been a struggle seeing all this around me and trying to justify it all to myself and to God. 

          Being a Godfather isn’t just a title in my heart. It has a meaning that I have to face and because of this I couldn’t walk around in the dark or the dusk. It has to be in the light. This is not just for my Godson but it is more for me. I have a lot of healing and I hope to share this with others so they may also come to be in the light. I always loved when new people came to the prayer group and we got to share where we were and what it all meant. This will not be easy because there is no more ignoring the pain and hurt that I have inside me. I am not one to open up and share my pains but in this case I feel that is the only way I can heal. 

        I hope this will help others and please pray for me on rediscovering the journey as I  will pray for all those who are trying to find their way back.