The Middle - Bebo Norman

The Middle - Bebo Norman

 I have listened to this song about 50, if not more, times since last week. I do not think a song has hit me soul the way this has. It has helped me understand a feeling that lies so deep that I just did not understand what was going on inside me. I was not able to understand a sadness, a loneliness that comes washing over me and almost knocks we down like a crashing wave against the rocky path along the shore line. I do not know if I am going to fully be able to explain this but I feel that its the only way I can get to understand it myself is by sharing it. 

   First, as always the video and lyrics are below but I do not know if it would be better for you to read my thoughts first then listen to the song or the other way around. The way Bebo Norman sings the song is with such gut wrenching feeling and that is how it feels inside. I hope you understand more of where I am coming from after reading this and understand that the process of me discerning the Priesthood is not a decision that has come easy or is new for me. I have had this stirring in my soul over the years and even back to my childhood. However I must admit that I have not dove so deep into this discernment ever before. It was just fleeting thought that come to light and I continued with living a life of the world and thought I could never be a man that could put on a collar and be worthy of it. I can not deny that inner spirit that is leading me to a deeper and more fulfilling life with the Trinity and the Church. The struggle comes from me wanting to serve God in the manner according to His will and not mine. I do not want to turn the wrong way and head down the path that is not His Will anymore. I want to surrender my life to not my will but His will. Normally surrendering means losing to me but here I gain a life of never ending graces and love. Isn’t that what we all want in the end? A life that was filled with love, grace and joy? I know that God will never Love me any less or more then right at this moment but when we are doing His will, there is that inner peace, that transforms the rest of your life. 

     God has found me each and every time in my life. It doesn’t matter where I was. If I was running from Him or just waiting for Him in the church, He found me and always drew my thoughts to Him each and every time. I could not hide from Him. Not Physically, Not Mentally, Not Emotionally and Not Spiritually. At times I think that I acted the way I did to see if He really would come after me. Would this be the time where He didn’t try to get me to turn back and just throw His hands up and give up? It was never the case. I can’t say that we didn’t have our fights and that He didn’t point my errors and sins out .Yet, after all that it always came to the point where I was down on my knees saying I am sorry and crying because I know how I hurt Him. 

      There are times when mass is over and people are just starting their way out of the church and as I genuflect I start to feel sad that I am leaving. At times I just want to stay. I do not want to go at all. Then as I place my fingers in the Holy Water and do my last blessing and my last look at the Alter and Jesus, I want to just run to the alter and never turn my back and leave. I know I may sound crazy and it is not all the time but more often then not, this is the case. Same with adoration at times. I don’t want to leave, I just want to close my eyes and wake again to be in the presence of Jesus. When I start these feelings I look around at others leaving and wonder am I the only one who feels this, please not let me be the only one? Its not that I want to stay to leave the world or that my life is unhappy because it is not the case. I am blessed with the life I have been given. I have had some amazing people in my life and still have some amazing people in it. I am not running from one life to another to avoid anything but I feel stuck between two parts and that makes me feel like I am in the middle. The middle between a life in the church as a lay person, working in and for the  Faith and that of the Honor and Blessing of becoming a Priest. There are times where my head spins from this life. The amazing life I have had and the unyielding love of the Trinity, the Faith and the Church. I am not looking for freedom from the world or freedom from a faith but maybe freedom from the chains that bind me from making that step from the middle to a life of meaning. I feel that for me, that life of meaning is coming from a life within the Church in one form or another. Meaning for me is holding the Light so others may see and come back to the Trinity, the Faith and Church or help them along the way to a deeper relationship. I want God to use me as His vessel to help with the message of Salvation. That to me is a meaning for me in this life. 

      I feel that there is a new life for me that is further along on the path and that I need to step out from staying that safe course from walking right in the middle and venture out. Sometimes when I think I am ready to do this I pull back because I do not know if I am really ready for it. If I am strong enough? If I am making the right choice?Then, Am I right in thinking Who I am in this life and if I know who God and I see who stands before Him after all these years of this life that I have created and destroyed. Looking in the mirror sometime I do not know the man who is looking back at me. There was a life that I once dreamed of and now, that life is not a life I desire or want. Maybe we are not to know the person who we see at times? Maybe that means we are becoming less of us and becoming more of who are to be in this life. I know the man I am to be is not the man I see now. I am becoming the man but not that man yet. 

     Some people in my life know what I am thinking about but it is very few and I have not been this open about it at all to anyone really. I recently said that it is like a secret I am keeping. I am not ashamed of what I am thinking or afraid what people may say to me about it but yet I keep it tuck down inside and hold onto it tightly so it wont get out. Those who do know are supportive in their own way and say that I will figure it out and all will be ok. I wish I had that same thought. I don’t see the struggle decreasing but increasing. There is an internal storm that rages at times and all I can do is hold onto the life I am living and stand in the middle till it passes and hope that it will settle and peace will come. In that peace, I will find the answer that God has written on my soul. 

      Please do not get me wrong that I am in constant turmoil because its not the case. I struggle, yes, but I know the life I have is blessed by many people and God is there with Jesus and Holy Spirit waiting for me to work this all out and become the man I am to be. The man God created me to be. I feel so blessed that this is my struggle because it is a win win. I do not lose a life but gain a life of salvation either way. I will not lose a life that I desired because what I ultimately desire is a life worthy of redemption. 

      I hope that if you feel that you are in the middle know that you are not alone. I feel that at times but that is because I choose to keep this as a secret for a while and what I did was to deprive my soul of prayers by the people I care about. Tell people who you know will offer up prayers for you to understand the will in your life. The wisdom to come to you to make the choice. It is in those kinds of prayers where we are open to the Spirit to move us and not our own intentions. I pray that I made sense in sharing what is going on and that if you feel you are in that “Middle” of who you are and who you are to become that you know prayers are being offered up for you always. Pray for me as I will pray for you all. 

Until tomorrow, God Bless, and may we forever evolve to the man or woman God created for us to be.   

It's as if You could find me anywhere
That I could go, to try to hide my thoughts from You
But just like some runaway I'm leaving here
With half a mind that hopes of getting caught

So we can just drive home in the dark
Where we'll let our, our feelings fly
They'll cut like shame to break me down again
Until there's nothing left but for me to tell You I'm, I'm sorry

But I don't wanna go home now
Stuck here in the middle alone now
Everybody's singing their song now
But I'm still reeling

I'm not trying to run away from
This beautiful life I've been given
I'm not looking for freedom
Maybe just a little meaning here in the middle

It's as if there's a world uncovered by
The break of day all these miles away but for a better view
Of what's left in the aftermath of all these years
It's just so hard to know who I am in You

So I don't wanna go home now
Stuck here in the middle alone now
Everybody's singing their song now
But I'm not ready for this

I'm not trying to run away from
This beautiful life I've been given
I'm not looking for freedom
Maybe just a little meaning here in the middle

Alright, everybody says I'll be alright
Everybody says it's a good fight
I'm not seeing it now

All I know is I swear this
It feels a little more like a secret
And I don't know if I should just keep it
To myself, but my love, my love

I don't wanna go home now
Stuck here in the middle alone now
Everybody's singing their song now
But I'm still reeling

I'm not trying to run away from
This beautiful life I've been given
I'm not looking for freedom
Maybe just a little meaning here in the middle
Here in the middle, here in the middle
Here in the middle, yeah, here in the middle