Felt the Change

Felt the Change

   Today at Mass I felt different. I didn’t really understand why at first but as the mass went on I was just feeling sad for some reason. Before mass started I was sitting there just looking around when the usher came over and asked if I could help with the collection. It took me by surprise and I said yes. After I said yes, I was thinking what was I doing. Why did I say yes? Certainly there was someone else he could have asked. 

   It wasn’t that I didn’t want to help it was more of should I. To me, I just started back here and I know it is just collecting the money and sit back down but was it ok for me to do it. I did the job that was asked, and mind you it had to be a double collection day, and sat down. Something was still bothering me. I started to feel anxious  and just sad. 

   It was time for the Priest to consecrate the bread and it hit me. This was the first time in five years that I wanted to receive. This is why I was feeling so sad. I couldn’t believe that I was feeling this. For five years there was not a second that I felt I needed or wanted to receive. Even with coming back to church these past weeks there was not this draw at all. When it came time for people to receive the Eucharist, I would stand move out of the way so the others in the pew can go and I would sit back down. I didn’t give it a second thought.

   Now today as I stood to let the others out I felt so sad and because the Eucharist Minister stopped right next to my pew she thought I was going to receive and as she went to raise the Eucharist, I had to shake my head no. I felt so hurt at that moment. I realized how broken my heart was and just sat back down. 

    This will come as a shock to some as I say this but it was a blessing to me that I was sad and felt my heart brake at that moment. That pain means that my heart is changing. That I no longer am holding that pain, anger and suffering that kept me away for these years. I want to be able to receive the Eucharist again. As sad as I was and still am, I know I had to feel this to be able to go on to the next step. 

    The next step is confession for me. I have known that I would need to go but I didn’t want to go till I knew my heart was changing. That I wasn’t just doing it to get it done so I can receive down the road. Also this means to me that I need to make a call to a priest and set up a time for confession. I have always liked face to face and felt I get more from it but it is also because I want to talk this out. I don’t just want to go on a regular confession time and do a sin drive by drop off and be on my way. I would have no problem going to regular confession after this time. This has been a long road to get back here and I don’t think for my first confession in over five years should be a quick fix for me. I want to talk over my issues that surrounded my sins so I am really open and honest in confession.  Now I have to find a priest, any suggestions? 

    After leaving mass I got in my car and just drove for awhile. I had so many mixed feelings in my heart and I needed to clear my head and heart. Going for a drive has always helped me understand whats bothering me. I was trying to figure out when did this change in my heart happen? How did it happen? How could this change happen and I didn’t know it before mass today? For once I have to say, it doesn’t matter when it happened, it just matters that it did happen. 

   It is an amazing feeling to feel the draw of the Eucharist again. I may just have to stop and do some Eucharist Adoration again like I used to all the time. There was a comfort that I always got being in the presence of Jesus. I did stop in a few times when others needed some extra prayers but it was never for myself. It was kind of like that drive by confessional I don’t want to do for my first time. I would drop off my prayers for the people that needed them and I was out the door again. It is time to sit and spend the time with Jesus again. We have a lot to catch up on. 

Until tomorrow, God Bless, and you never know when your heart may change, be patient and open because it will.